Last orders

My name is Vikki and I am not an alcoholic. However, recently life threw me a massive lemon and now I am no longer allowed to pair it with tequila.

It all started with a stomach ache, one bad enough to stop your Nutella addiction in its tracks. A few G.P.’s later this leads to seeing ‘Mr Specialist’. ‘Mr Specialist’ weighs me, I had lost a few kilos and secretly high-fived myself even though I knew this was a sign something was not right. The words ‘endoscopy’ and ‘colonoscopy’ get bandied about as if they were as common as a blood test. Well let me assure you, they’re not. They involve being off your face on anaesthetic and having cameras shoved down your throat and up your arse – super sexy stuff I know. Continue reading “Last orders”

The dessert menu

Three years ago, I had been single for about a month and I had just moved from a small town to a city. I was busy trying to embrace this whole modern man inner city living vibe. Everything was new and I had decided that I should maybe start dating. My home town protocol was just go out with someone you knew from school or from the local pub, but in the metropolis of Aberdeen there were endless ways of meeting people.  Continue reading “The dessert menu”

8 brutally honest truths about moving to a new country

1. Don’t believe the hype

We need to talk about inspirational quotes. A  gorgeous girl or guy with a cute rucksack, nice pair of shorts as if they just walked out of a catalogue. If you decide to travel or move countries SPOILER ALERT you will not look like that you will look NOTHING like that. Stepping off a plane after spending a ridic amount of hours cramped next to strangers with questionable hygiene methods and watching re runs of shitty sitcoms with a dodgy gut does not result in a Victoria’s Secret model arrival. Truth be told you will smell like a toilet  , look like you just fell out of a bin and will have no fucking idea what time it is and spend the first ten minutes angry and bursting for a piss while you navigate where the toilet is. WELCOME! Continue reading “8 brutally honest truths about moving to a new country”

The Pourer

This story goes back to a time when there was no Tinder.  There was however – Facebook.  So begins the romantic tale of the 21st century.  Or as I like to call it – the worst date I ever had.

One day I had a random guy pop into my mail box.  This guy was by no means unfortunate looking in the slightest.  In fact, after a bit of light Facebook stalking, it transpired he was a model. Apparently my image had appeared and he just had to ask me out.  This was the first time I had been approached this way but we got to talking and arranged to rendezvous. Continue reading “The Pourer”

The heckler

You know the drill, it’s Thursday night and after getting RSI from swiping right for an hour with no mutual match its time to bring out the big guns. By big guns I mean if anybody remotely posts a request to do anything that night (key word people, ANYTHING) you offer to be the knight in shining armour and take them out on a date. This my friends is a story and a half ,get your feet up grab a wine and get ready to feel as if no date in your lifetime could ever compete with THIS. Continue reading “The heckler”

Embracing ‘girly-ness’ when you feel like a hot mess

The aroma of expensive perfume mixed with giddy screeching and some crappy pop song causes my senses to become a little all over the fucking place.

I take a deep breath then mutter, “I’ll just wait for you outside.” This is not return of the Mack, this is get the hell out of the MAC store. ASAP please.

As long as I can remember I have not been graceful in terms of make- up application, I was pretty happy smearing blue eyeshadow on with my fingers not giving two shits if it was even, shaded or even on my actual eyelids. I cannot get excited about shades of foundation because I can only wear one shade all year round. I’m pale, like the colour of freakin’ milk. I look like I’ve been on a three-day bender if I don’t wear mascara. I’m pretty much constantly struggling with the concept of being a “girly girl” but I do have a few hot tips for those fellow hot-messes out there that are struggling to get by and have no idea what the fuck a primer is. Continue reading “Embracing ‘girly-ness’ when you feel like a hot mess”

Blog Party

Blog Party, not to be mistaken for ‘Bloc Party’ an excellent band from the noughties which provided the soundtrack to my university antics (every day I am eternally grateful snapchat did not exist then).

This is my first entry for the blog and for once in my life I am at a loss for words. Writing is very new for me, towards the end of secondary school I planned to study Journalism, however by the time I went to university I studied Psychology which is basically learning that you will be more than happy to electrocute strangers if other people did it first (actual study). Although I have followed a career using my degree I have recently started writing in my spare time and for some reason people enjoy reading my rambles, which takes me to blogging….. Continue reading “Blog Party”