A checklist for your thirties

If you have ever wondered what delights await you during this period of your life don’t worry I am here to give you an education you didnt ask for. This is what comes out of a group chat so thanks to my mates who inadvertently gave me content idea.

  1. Avoid shopping centres or if you have to expose yourself to those places prepare your RBF ahead of time so people are genuinely scared and avoid all contact.
  2. Sign your life away for at least 3 subscriptions for binge-watching purposes.
  3. A sore back with no idea how it happened.
  4. Crippling anxiety about what you are doing with your life. This will happen often and is increased with the consumption of alcohol or with somebody asking you when are you buying a house/why do men keep leaving you/maybe you should settle with somebody who isn’t necessarily meant for you but has a job and no criminal convictions-AIM HIGH .
  5. Is my house adulty enough? This will appear in the form of going to IKEA and thinking I need more cushions and vanilla candles.
  6. Plants. You will by plants because that’s what you are meant to do. At some point they will die and you will ask yourself why the f did I buy plants.
  7. A bag of plastic bags even though you will never actually have them when you do a grocery shop so then spend ten mins muttering I forgot the fucking bags again.
  8. A casual yoga habit because for some reason every time you complain about your back somebody will tell you that going to yoga and being yelled at to breath will help apparently.
  9. A passing mood of writing a shitty message to your ex from 10 years ago because you felt that because you are older you can call them a sack of shit but in a more mature format.
  10. You are 150% sick of everybody’s bullshit -I can’t even elaborate on this it just HAPPENS.
  11. .Listening to trance music imagining you are in a field littered with empty bottles and suspicious paracetamol covered in glitter thinking that was the best years of my life even if you tell every other person that their thirties will be the best years of their life- it isn’t.
  12. .Apologising to people who you shouldn’t need to apologise too because you just want a night indoors stuffing your face listening to Lewis Capaldi.(love you Lewis)

However,at least you don’t have to take part in P.E anymore and you can choose what you do , when you do it and who you do it with -AMEN!