Relationship status – New

February 14th, the date when smug people gush all over your desk with their dozen red roses while you rub savlon on your new rose tattoo that you bought yourself (yes I did that last year judge away).

However this year, I have my first V-day with my other half which, to be honest, neither of us can be arsed with. Valentine’s Day got me thinking about new relationships and the sort of cute, stupid and downright weird stuff we do when we are blinded by love and free dinners.  

Some of the following has been collected by actual people in relationships, no names have been mentioned because basically, they are holding in for the roses.

It costs HOW much for a wax?!?

Yes, personal grooming tends to get ramped up when the frequency of being naked increases. You actually need to deal with your body hair ALL.THE.TIME. Now, this is a thrill, as you know there will be loads of sexy times with new bae, but after a couple of months the razor rash and making small talk while a random woman rips hair from places she shouldn’t see takes its toll on your social skills, wallet and pain threshold. Just hope he /she makes it worth it for you.   

“I used to get up earlier in the morning and slap my face of make up that way he thought I looked like Victoria’s Secret model every morning.”

 Carbs are the enemy

Even if you hear it a million times that you are all gorgeous, (YES, YOU ARE!) your ability to shove a big mac in your mouth in one go (including the lettuce) is something you will hold onto until you are a bit further into this partnership. You worry this person will think less of you if you appear to love food and have the odd crisp in your hair.   I would like to think this is what I preach but to be honest, I ram my face from day one, I don’t want to sell myself short.  Us women give ourselves too much of a hard time  already over food, weight, looking perfect, trying to impress boys that we should be able to eat and drink as we please without being judged. If this person is your sidekick they will still like you when you skull a beer faster than them.

Of course I love abseiling with my fear of heights

We have all done this, the other half mentions how much they love a tv show, sport, celebrity etc and we just nod it to death. A way of relating to somebody is to show an interest in what they are talking about, to ask questions and respect what they enjoy partaking in with their down time. This, however, doesn’t mean that you have to love it, you will have your own interests, maybe just take it in turns watching Girls and Spartacus.   

“I have pretended to like multiple shit tv shows just to impress and seem interested .”

 Taylor Swift was right

Sometimes the image we portray is a unilateral one, a prime example is a selfie. Anybody can take a really good smiley photo #bestnightever. However that isn’t you all of the time. The nice smiley person is somebody who posed for a photograph to project an image and create an opinion to whoever is stalking social media,it doesn’t show you on your period sitting on the floor crying because you lost an earring that you never wear. The first few months is when you try and contain the ‘bad’ parts of your personality such as being untidy, impatient, sarcastic and rubbish at dealing with conflict. Just remember, everybody can be a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

“I accidently added some of their  friends and family on Facebook due to my intense stalking …” 

How close is too close

Becoming extremely comfortable is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to relationships. The key is in reading the other person. If you are basically living in each other’s pockets check in with them that they are as comfortable with it. If they come home one day and the removalist van is outside they might be booking a plane ticket just saying…

“I get comfortable with a person pretty quickly (after being super awkward )  which sometimes isn’t so great such as when I moved my blender into the house and my GF said something like oh f* ck.”

Finally this lot of WTF’s

“I used to run the tap so he couldn’t hear me pee.”

“Definitely did zero farting in front of him”.

“I had to buy a brand new bed because my GF refused to sleep in my bed…. because my ex slept in it”.

“I borrowed somebody else’s car for a while because my car was a pile of shit .”

Enjoy your new relationship, anybody worth your time will love you even if you let the hair grow a tad, are first up at the buffet or love watching documentaries about train lines.