Mile high manners

It’s  January, and the only way to make the month less shit besides filling your water dispenser up with mulled wine in the office is to book a holiday. Sun, sea, sex, far too many cocktails and a stench of after sun what more do you need for a relaxing well-earned break? Well I will tell you, you need the people on the plane next to you to have some bloody mile high manners.

Unfortunately, as much as you were perhaps hoping I had penned some words about the delicacy of in-flight shenanigans this is a breakdown on the key yanking of chain behaviors that we have to endure before those watered down cocktails.

Would you like to be swept off your feet?

Waiting to board the flight can be a bit tedious, you more than likely have a suitcase weighing the equivalent of Kanye’s ego and you just want to get on the bloody aircraft. This is understandable however before you saunter past all the peasants with your priority boarding pass spare a second to realise you are going to be sitting down for possibly hours in a tin can- why are you sprinting/casually banging into everybody else to get there first? Meh.

Hi, my name is

Depending on  if you are a social butterfly or  hate the rest of the human race, air friends can get a bit too comfortable as   your in -flight entertainment. They got divorced, they have a food tray littered with gin bottles within the hour and you are pretty sure  they will stalk you around Tenerife when you land. You have two options, politely advise them you wish to sleep/finish your Gone Girl book (maybe you are trying to avoid divorce?!) OR get your food tray up to standard.

Keep moving back, I dare you

Plane seats. Clearly made for tiny people with zero room for all involved. You finally get semi-comfortable then  BANG. The person in front of you thinks I deserve more room, the seat moves so I will move the seat, ALL of the seat while the stranger behind them is trying to eat chicken in a questionable sauce and a bread roll (I had a long haul flight last month and not going to lie, typing that nearly made me mouth puke). We all know the seats are shit, we know that there is hardly any room but we also know that being a dick about it helps nobody, it costs nothing to check before you want to sit on my lap mate.

Stuck in the middle

If you have ever checked in late for a flight you will have experienced that FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK moment when you realise you are seated in the middle seat with no options except pay ten thousand dollars to pick another similar yet less horrific seat for a 14-hour flight.    Manners, in this case, are tricky, you can’t get out freely to pee/steal more alcohol/perv on the   hottie you followed I mean accidently bumped into all over the airport. You are also at the mercy of the other side, you end up passing the food trays over to them in a concentrated manner as you don’t want a ten-day-old bread roll off the forehead and   if they need to visit the toilet you have to move. My advice is have a total meltdown about the seat outcome before you board the plane then either make friends with your neighbors or learn gymnastics.

You can just not breathe for ten hours right?

If you look too much into what you breathe in whilst flying you would probably settle for a brief break in the local park. People fly with colds, without a shower and you lap that all up in your temporary home. Aside from the germ factor, you  can’t beat the sound effects that go along with the generous sharing of germs! The yellers are another  group, talking so loud you can hear it over the tv series with only one episode halfway through a season you are trying to distract yourself with. The drunken group can prove infuriating, although sometimes the annoyance stems from thinking I really wish they would take me under their wing  (no pun intended).

Unless you can afford to have your very own chartered flight, have managed to bag a billionaire with a chartered flight or even save enough to fly first class to your dream holiday destination all of the above will probably apply. However, the anticipation of getting away from mundane life including listening to somebody ramble on and on about their holiday  makes the hours of noisy, frustrating, smelly and squished journey worth every minute.