The heckler

You know the drill, it’s Thursday night and after getting RSI from swiping right for an hour with no mutual match its time to bring out the big guns. By big guns I mean if anybody remotely posts a request to do anything that night (key word people, ANYTHING) you offer to be the knight in shining armour and take them out on a date. This my friends is a story and a half ,get your feet up grab a wine and get ready to feel as if no date in your lifetime could ever compete with THIS. Continue reading “The heckler”

Embracing ‘girly-ness’ when you feel like a hot mess

The aroma of expensive perfume mixed with giddy screeching and some crappy pop song causes my senses to become a little all over the fucking place.

I take a deep breath then mutter, “I’ll just wait for you outside.” This is not return of the Mack, this is get the hell out of the MAC store. ASAP please.

As long as I can remember I have not been graceful in terms of make- up application, I was pretty happy smearing blue eyeshadow on with my fingers not giving two shits if it was even, shaded or even on my actual eyelids. I cannot get excited about shades of foundation because I can only wear one shade all year round. I’m pale, like the colour of freakin’ milk. I look like I’ve been on a three-day bender if I don’t wear mascara. I’m pretty much constantly struggling with the concept of being a “girly girl” but I do have a few hot tips for those fellow hot-messes out there that are struggling to get by and have no idea what the fuck a primer is. Continue reading “Embracing ‘girly-ness’ when you feel like a hot mess”

Blog Party

Blog Party, not to be mistaken for ‘Bloc Party’ an excellent band from the noughties which provided the soundtrack to my university antics (every day I am eternally grateful snapchat did not exist then).

This is my first entry for the blog and for once in my life I am at a loss for words. Writing is very new for me, towards the end of secondary school I planned to study Journalism, however by the time I went to university I studied Psychology which is basically learning that you will be more than happy to electrocute strangers if other people did it first (actual study). Although I have followed a career using my degree I have recently started writing in my spare time and for some reason people enjoy reading my rambles, which takes me to blogging….. Continue reading “Blog Party”

For The Girls Who Were Duped By The Fake Prince Charming

Limited confidence is a virtue they will prey on, the slightest hint of broken and they will rip that tear wide open. That Mother Teresa vibe and the fact you are obviously awkward in your own skin fills them with narcissistic euphoria. They will slowly spin the dynamic of the relationship.

You will start off feeling like the luckiest girl in the world, look at me she thinks, I have an actual prince charming who dotes on me and promises me the world on a daily basis- this.is.it. Continue reading “For The Girls Who Were Duped By The Fake Prince Charming”

10 Thoughts Women Will Have While Watching ‘The Bachelor’

1. You need to stop eating food.

Surely there is no scientific breakthrough which allows you to inhale your body weight in stuffed crust pizza AND rock a dress which resembles a glitter pen.

 

2. Re-evaluate your career pathway.

In order to try and find true love, your job title must have one of the following words: Events, planner, model, DJ, or all of the aforementioned (aim high ladies).

Seriously, why did my guidance teacher not tell me this while I completed my university application?

 

3. Make up application – you’re doing it wrong.

Apparently smearing an entire eyeliner pen on one side of your lid is not smoky eye, nor is wearing second-hand makeup from the night before. That’s more of the “No I didn’t wake up in a bush, honestly!” look.

 

4. Throw your qualifications in the nearest trash can.

You don’t even need your degree. You just need to be able to construct basic sentences like, “I really think we had a connection,” or “I am just looking for true love! That’s why I am here,” and be able to scream in unison with a bunch of other equally constantly premenstrual women.

 

5. Tinder is actually not THAT horrific after all.

Tinder may be a murky world full of semi-normal men, a number of surprise dick pics and the added luxury of deciding whether or not to talk to somebody based on three psychologically valid criteria; however, in comparison to The Bachelor ,you may be competing with other invisible glitter pen dress wearers, but hey, you won’t be friend-zoned on national television if you stick to good old Tinds.

 

6. You are not that cray cray.

All of those passive-aggressive drunken texts, sleeping in your ex’s clothes, driving by their house is all pretty normal when you consider you have a bunch of women who would literally claw each other to death for a guy none of them actually know. Definitely not hos before bros…

 

7. Connections with the opposite sex happen IMMEDIATELY.

When you stare into his eyes, you share so much laughter, you tell him about your broken childhood, and how you’re looking for a real relationship to have a family, he tells you how much he loves his mum and just wants to find a girl to take home to meet her. Oh wait, you’re just the mailman. In the world of The Bachelor, IT CAN HAPPEN!

 

8. You get confused and think you are watching the Hunger Games halfway through.

Nineteen women all fight to the death for one guy. The games include downing cocktails and starting cat fights, trying to desperately get some alone time with said guy, and generally making a complete moron of yourself for the world to view. After that, they hopefully become some sort of celebrity.

 

9. You start to think your ex wasn’t all that bad.

Yeah, he took your laptop to a pawn shop, your mates all hated him, but the thought of experiencing the Rose Ceremony fills you too much with anxiety to start all over again.

 

10. There must be other ways to meet the love of your life.

I wonder if “Married at first sight!” has an opening? TC mark

Flash your tits to the world or read a good book. Empowerment comes in all shapes and sizes.

I’m not sure if you noticed (you might have been too busy doing useful things with your life) but social media recently had a Britney meltdown (circa 2007) when another one of the K-Klan unleashed their naked bits to the world in an attempt to once again ‘break the internet’. Seriously, we’re not going to have any internet left at the rate this family is going. Continue reading “Flash your tits to the world or read a good book. Empowerment comes in all shapes and sizes.”