Online dating is the bane of a single girl’s existence. For many girls, apps like Tinder may be the only way to meet someone new. However, the dating pools on these things aren’t always the best. Looking for love on Tinder, therefore, ends up being way more difficult than it should be. The following Dirty Dozen men really, truly don’t help the dating cesspool that is known as Tinder…
1. The Fossil. This is the guy who’s clearly old enough to be your dad, but claims to be very experienced at being 30 years old. He wears a toupee, makes a point of driving a sports car that was purchased during a midlife crisis, and usually forgets to hide his wedding ring in at least one profile pic. If you’re down for a Cialis-fueled fling ending with him bragging about how he slept with a 20-year-old (you) followed by a tear-filled rant about his “bitch ex wife,” then this is the Prince Charming for you. Personally though, we’d pass.
2. Captain Chlamydia. Perhaps the most common species of male found on Tinder, and can be easily spotted thanks to his torso-exposed profile pic, his detailed description involving his penis size, and his over all douche demeanor. Captain Chlamydia has many magical powers, including the ability to incessantly badger for nudes and the magical power to transmit sexually transmitted diseases.
3. Pure Douche ™. No douche is douchier than Pure Douche™. He is a designer douche. He has a punchable face, a trust fund paid by his car dealership-owning father, and a gaggle of fraternity bros he still talks to. He’s self-absorbed. He has no accomplishments that weren’t at least partially due to nepotism…and he feels entitled to a hot chick. Going on a date with Pure Douche™ is a wonderful way to maximize your douchebag experience and swear off men forever. Rent yours today!
4. The Angry Nerd. This is the kid who was always passed up in high school, and boy, he will not let the opposite sex forget it. Armed with the Red Pill forum, passive-aggressive insults, and a ton of money that he will never spend on dates, the Angry Nerd goes on Tinder with the sole purpose of insulting, berating, and abusing women. After all, how dare those womenfolk reject a guy who clearly had more issues than Playboy? Insulting the females will teach them that they totally missed out on a good guy ten years ago!
5. The Sugar Baby. Most men would want to take girls out on a fancy date, or at least pay for coffee. Not this guy. This guy wants the woman to foot all the bills…in exchange for…uh, actually nothing. Yeah, that’s why he’s single.
6. Oedipus Rex. Nothing quite says sexy to this guy like good ol’ Mom. For the past 20-odd years, he’s been living with mom, making mom number one in his life, and now that he’s almost 30, he feels ready to look for a mom substitute. The lucky girl who gets to date Oedipus will get to enjoy his many accessories, including multiple sexual hangups, and projecting his issues onto you. Yay.
7. The Creep. This dude is slimier than Captain Chlamydia, and is into things that you didn’t know even existed until he told you about it in his first email to you. Should you run across this guy, the proper reaction is to put down your cellphone and try to scrub the grime off your body for the rest of your life.
8. Mr. Nice Guy. This is an offshoot of the Angry Nerd who honestly believes that being polite, the very bare minimum of human interaction requirements, should be enough to net him a model. But, what he doesn’t realize is that saying “hello,” then flipping out when you don’t reply to him isn’t nice; it’s just psycho. However, he’s still in his beginning stages of dating. Eventually, someone will find the right Pokemon evolution stone to toss at him, and he’ll evolve into an Angry Nerd.
9. The Faux Nerd. He knows that “le geek, c’est chic.” So, as a way to attract girls who are nerdy, he watched all of The Big Bang Theory and modeled his wardrobe after some of the guys on the show. He actually has no idea about computers, but hey, someone will fall for it, right?
10. The Ratchet. If you’re looking for a local celebrity, the Ratchet kinda passes for one. Sort of. He probably ended up doing something stupid and getting his butt on WorldStar or Liveleak due to the brawl that ensued. He may also have a shitty mixtape that he’ll sell you, ask you to cover dinner, and tell you things like, “I’ll pay you back once my music career makes it.”
11. Mr. Looking For A Sidepiece. He is married, or engaged. He claims he loves her with all his heart. That’s clearly the reason why he’s on Tinder with the warning sign that he’s taken and “staying for the kids.” It doesn’t matter that the kids might not even exist; he’s staying for them regardless. Pass.
12. The Couple In Search Of A Unicorn. You’re looking for love. They’re looking for vagina, and don’t care that you explicitly wrote “NO COUPLES” on your profile. Sigh. That’s enough Tinder for today, isn’t it?
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