You know the drill, it’s Thursday night and after getting RSI from swiping right for an hour with no mutual match its time to bring out the big guns. By big guns I mean if anybody remotely posts a request to do anything that night (key word people, ANYTHING) you offer to be the knight in shining armour and take them out on a date. This my friends is a story and a half ,get your feet up grab a wine and get ready to feel as if no date in your lifetime could ever compete with THIS.
The gentlemen suggests a comedy show, sensible idea, both get a laugh, a drink and don’t necessarily need to converse with each other. The lady is hot, the comedian is vaguely funny however the lady thinks she could give him a run for his money. Queue the heckling and a very embarrassed guy silently telling her to shut the fuck up for an hour.
Drinks are flowing, however usually this would mean for us gals we have to awkwardly go to the bathroom every half hour once the seal is broken, this does not happen on this occasion and the gentleman thinks this is bloody weird. Anyways , the laughing/get me out of here before we get kicked out for heckling continues then alas it is time to leave. Now, its 2016 guys, and the lady lives roughly ten years away from the comedy venue (accurate) but of course the gentleman lives around the corner. The walk starts, the sofa bed is offered and they arrive at destination scene of the crime. Upon arrival the evening takes a cosy turn (we ain’t R18) however the gentleman asks the question of why she hasn’t been to the bathroom since they met up despite hoovering down the same amount of booze as her date. The reply was
‘But it feels better if it’s full’
Let’s all just take that in for a minute. Gentleman thinks bugger it we’re here now and commences playing chess (still ain’t R18 get your heads out of the gutter!) during which the lady asks him to punch her in the face. Yes, apparently face punching is a thing.
The gentleman refuses to do it, he is convinced it’s a compo claim scam and also just knows you don’t ever hit a bloody women even if she is on top of you being all drunk sexy. The punching issue is resolved with no further discussion until it’s time for some starter action during which the lady vomits on the man and all over his pride and joy (for those who may be lost that is his penis). The gentleman being a supportive considerate soul asks her if she’s alright to which she is bewildered and informs him that vomiting gets her going.
Now, you may be all for a bit of 50 shades until it comes down to having sick all over you dick, bedsheets etc ,this is also heightened with the fact you have OCD. The gentleman jumps up, gets cleaned and changes the sheets, and off to sleep they go. Sidenote it was either going to be piss or vomit, it was never going to end well for him.
You may be thinking fuck if I was him I would be gathering her belongings and shoving her in an uber pronto, but we already said this guy was nice and caring, so in the morning he does the decent thing and they have another go, aww how romantic! You think this story is over – you know nothing.
Our gentleman then pops to the bathroom for a piss , happy as Larr…..I mean as happy as somebody could be after that turn of events . Lady looks up asks where he is going then happily states he can piss on her –seriously she is into everything , like I think you could suggest anything and she would be all over it ,much like the vomit. At that point it is still possible to rope in an emergency phone call, get a mate/colleague damn it even your mum to call you and claim you need to leave the current situation ASAP .
And that readers is how this ended, a bungled phone call from the toilet while you happily piss in the bowl and not all over a lady you met on tinder who is a fan of minor assault.