The aroma of expensive perfume mixed with giddy screeching and some crappy pop song causes my senses to become a little all over the fucking place.
I take a deep breath then mutter, “I’ll just wait for you outside.” This is not return of the Mack, this is get the hell out of the MAC store. ASAP please.
As long as I can remember I have not been graceful in terms of make- up application, I was pretty happy smearing blue eyeshadow on with my fingers not giving two shits if it was even, shaded or even on my actual eyelids. I cannot get excited about shades of foundation because I can only wear one shade all year round. I’m pale, like the colour of freakin’ milk. I look like I’ve been on a three-day bender if I don’t wear mascara. I’m pretty much constantly struggling with the concept of being a “girly girl” but I do have a few hot tips for those fellow hot-messes out there that are struggling to get by and have no idea what the fuck a primer is.
1. Steal other people’s make up.
Seriously, have you seen how much that stuff costs?!? I can barely afford baked beans for dinner, let alone a $90 facial highlighter. We’ve all got that one friend who is make-up obsessed so just keep a tally of how many favours you do for them and after subtly reminding them of this the freebies will start flowing.
2. Face Wipes
Beauty experts will tell you these are the work of the devil, don’t listen to them, they can afford the expensive stuff, you probably can’t. Face wipes are a godsend when you’ve got a serious case of red wine lips before you’ve even left the house or when you return home later, pissed off your tits, and need to quickly avoid staining your pillow case.
3. Red lipstick
Now this is REALLY important, no matter how much a state you are this will always be your Olivia Pope. Red lipstick shows you mean business, men love it, women fear it and it disguises those red wine lips that you always seem to have. No idea why? *Pours another glass of wine*
Bare minimum for your lovely mug, get some of that good stuff on it before venturing outside and keep your face looking tight and fresh way past its used-by-date.
5. Top knot
If you wake up with hair which resembles Garth from Wayne’s World, then the top knot can be your saviour. Wrap your hair up in a knot leave some ‘bits’ down the side and voila nobody knows you were too drunk this morning to stand up in the shower before work.
The above tips are just a few of my handy hints, however sometimes it’s a great feeling to be a hot mess, dress for yourself, wear blue eyeshadow down your cheeks, wear eyeliner that would rival the Dothraki if you please. I guarantee somebody will love it, even if that someone is just you.